You know when you wake up with dried jizz on your back that it was an epic night at Sexcon!

No, seriously…I awoke smelling of pheromones and regret. Regret that I expected Sexcon to be this amazing sex party with nude, friendly people welcoming you over to the dark side with baskets of lube and toys, when it was quite the opposite of that.

I should have had some idea of the caliber of this Sexcon, as I read a not-so-favorable review of it’s Founder Larry Goone online. Sexcon was described as “A dirty hot dog fest he (Larry Goone) holds every year in Chicago”.

Here’s my “dirty hot-dog fest” review.

There were shady men ogling all of the cosplayers- wait scratch that, that was C2E2.

There were shady men ogling all of the scantily clad 20 year old girls that were there as “promotional models” for pimps that are now “online sex dating” business owners.

Who knew that the computer age would enable pimps to legally run their sex business and even welcome them to conventions to show off their girls and pass out business cards?

I saw a few cable access channel type shows with their vinyl show logo’d backdrops set up and their oddly dressed hosts standing there in a stupor looking for someone worthwhile to interview. I think they would have done well if they changed up their interviewing intentions and lined up the sexual predators to interview instead. There were quite a few to choose from.

Not all of Sexcon was shady- there were vendors there selling some pretty decent items that were purchased by yours truly.

My first foray to a vendor’s table found me with my eyes wide open and heart beating a little faster while looking at bejeweled buttplugs and gorgeous leather paddles. Much to my delight, this vendor with the quality goods is from my suburban neck of the woods! I walked away from their display table full of goodies with an invitation to their friends and family special shopping night and the promise of a personal shopper for the extensive lingerie collection they have in the store. Sexy Score for me!

Second vendor was sexy bordering-on-the-intimidating artisan jewelry made from nails. Yes- I said nails, like the silver metal nails you use to hammer into things. There was an assortment of items ranging from bracelets to bikinis made from nails.

My “plus-one” immediately handed over $100 for a bracelet, no questions asked. It looks sexy and dangerous on him…money well spent.

The next vendor was a little out of my scope of understanding. I’ll give you the details and let you sort them out.

There’s a sideways tripod holding a dildo connected to a motor that thrusts the dildo into the strategically placed orifice at multiple speeds. Simple enough, right? Here’s where I get confused.

The person controlling the motorized dildo is online using his (marketed to male users) computer to adjust the speed to fuck the person on the receiving end and be able to watch it on his computer.

Is this for agoraphobic nerd fellas or men that travel frequently and want to please their girl long distance to keep her from straying?

I could see setting this Robo-cock up at a sex party in a room and have a viewing area in another room for shy voyeurs.

To each their own as the saying goes.

“Where’s all the fun?” you ask?

Let me say that there wasn’t just one stripper pole but TWO stripper poles!

They has lush young ladies showing off their skills much to the delight of all of the creepy single dudes with their hands in their pockets.

There was an area with people in dog cages. Interesting, right? One fella was transgender-y dressed with crazy good cosmetic skills. He/she looked happy and pretty in the cage.

Also in the arena were fantastically talented artists. The canvasses were gorgeous yet too sexy for the walls of my wholesome family home.

I think I need a private “red room” of sorts to house the collection of items that tickle my fancy.

It was at the bar that my off-the-record interviewing skills were showcased. I met a young man named Michael along with his young woman named Elle. Michael was at least 7 feet tall and made me immediately think of Groot. I, of course whispered a few silly jokes to my “plus one” about Michael aka Groot having big wood and his date having a big bush and wondering if Groot liked bush. Juvenile, I know but oh so fun to be silly.

Elle introduced herself to me in a drug induced stupor telling me that Groot picked out her outfit which consisted of two scraps of material covering the bare minimum. I asked her if she was a “dancer” to which she replied that she was a former Bible-thumper that was corrupted and will do anything sexually as long as it’s not violent. Yikes. I nodded and said it was nice to meet her. Groot was standing beside her the whole time puffing on his “mod”. Now that I look back on it I totally think Groot was pimping out Elle and they might have been thinking myself and my “plus-one” were looking for a threesome. Duh! I’m kinda slow sometimes.

There was a strong Police force showing at Sexcon and the officers were mingling with the crowd. Myself and my “plus-one” thought the police milling about just made the ambience that much shadier and we decided to go home and try to feel like our normal clean yet pervy selves before all of the action at Sexcon got out of hand.

We bid adieu to the sultry lit stage and the bass-heavy DJ and headed back to the burbs.

Would I recommend Sexcon to the average Radio Misfits Listener?

My answer is probably not. I definitely think it’s a good concept that needs some guidance to class it up a bit. The atmosphere felt too seedy and dirty for the average adult. Be warned that if you have teen/young daughters you will be disturbed enough to not be turned on. My “plus-one” was a bit disturbed by this, and I don’t blame him. The scantily clad, horny young girls there are someone’s daughters.

Here’s to new experiences and adventures!


Sexy Samantha